Thursday, July 26, 2007

Forecast: Daze
Several days have passed since D first mentioned the M word and I have to say I am still in a daze. In fact ever since I embarked on this relationship, things have been a bit blurry (in a good way, of course) that sometimes I need to pinch myself to remind me I actually have a loving boyfriend now.
My normal reaction when D mentions the sensitive topic would be to start giggling nervously till I run out of breath. Although D is very understanding and patient with regards to my goofy nature, I can't help but cringe. He might think I don't want to marry him. I guess asking him "How come you are so sure about marrying me of all people?" doesn't really help, either. Huh?
Here's the part where I try to explain my hesitation. For the longest time, settling down was the LAST thing on my mind. I wanted to travel, travel and travel some more. My dwindling bank account though has made me realize that the need to explore every nook and cranny of the world now sounds like a very frivolous goal to project for my future.
Then there is the fact that I have never been one of those women who dreamt of their wedding day since they were little girls. I even joked with D that I might show up at our wedding dressed in jeans and t-shirt for all I care. I never fancied the whole big wedding shebang.
If the history of my past relationships is anything to go by, then 3 years would be the longest time I've actually been involved with a guy. I tend to lose interest, get bored and/or escape from too much responsibility, quite fast. I justify it by saying it is my attention deficit disorder but that is a diagnosis I gave myself. It is certainly not medically proven by any doctor.
I guess it also doesn't help that my BFF is currently stuck in marital hell and his numerous depressing emails are the first thing I read every morning when I check my inbox. He is and I quote "involved in a quasi meaningless relationship with my materialistic wife who nags me 24/7!"
Yikes, major ouch but sadly true.
Of course I have discussed all these points (there are others which I rather not elaborate on this blog) with D over and over again that I sound like a broken record, by now. I am very thankful he always has a ready 'solution' to each of my trepidations. I probably just need more time to condition my state of mind from an independent single woman to eventually becoming Mrs F in the distant, near future, without breaking out in sweat and giggling nervously like a hyena.

So help me God!

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