Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Sentimental Fool
This past weekend I was shrouded with sentimentality. During a lengthy exchange of emails volleying back and forth between me and a certain someone, we delved on the subject of 'disconnect'.

I've experienced a lot of 'disconnection' in my life. It stems from the fact that for almost 30 years I spent my life in a state of dislocation. I was constantly adjusting, trying to fit in, make new friends then eventually losing touch with most of them. It is certainly not a conscious effort on my part but I guess "Out of sight, out of mind" best describes this behavior.

In that regard, I've always maintained a certain detachment from people. I don't allow myself to get too attached because I knew sooner or later, it was time to move again. The pattern is that once people ventured on a new journey in life like getting married or having kids, the disconnection begins subtly (in other cases, almost immediately) until you barely heard a ping from them.

Mais c'est la vie.
People come and go, things happen, people move on. I move on yet I still remain the same ME. Somehow in my detachment, I've been dreading a certain reality that has so far been silently brewing. I've always been a totally honest person. Sometimes, to a fault. I said a few harsh words in my email which I wish I didn't. I needed to confess certain truths which bothered me for some time now. I did feel a lot better getting it off my chest.
But the silent treatment I am getting now from him is deafening. Yet deep inside I always knew in this particular case, I had to take the initiative to 'disconnect'. For the past few months now, I've stopped chatting with him. A rather painful decision so I did it subtly. Yet the emails were still forth coming. I've been harping on it (the need to stop all forms of communication) for too long, it isn't healthy for me, anymore.

One of my favorites lines from the movie "Before Sunset" was uttered by Celine.
"I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times!"
I was lucky enough to connect with someone these past few years and I will certainly cherish it forever. But now much to my chagrin, it is time I *totally* disconnected. It won't be easy. I don't think I will ever find someone who doesn't find it odd when I rambled about existential topics like hedonism, neo liberal terrorism as well as share my deep passion for the art of cinema.

I miss him.

I will miss him for the rest of my life.

Bonne chance.

Adieu, mon Ame!

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