Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Battle scars
I did say on the first day of October that I was looking forward to having a good month.
It being my birthday month and all.
But now that it is over, I'm just glad I survived it.

Mere words cannot truly express my complete devastation.
The day I heard that he was going to be a father, soon.
I swear a black cloud formed in the blue skies.
I've always been baffled why certain women react quite strongly when they find out that their ex boyfriends were getting married.
Now I know how it feels.
I am still hurting a lot.
It is rather foolish, I know.
We were never a couple.
It has been almost 3 years since I've known him.
Albeit only virtually.
A year has passed since I told him my true feelings.
He didn't really reciprocate.
He had issues with the distance.
Both of us too stubborn to make any effort.
To bridge the distance.
We've been there several times in our sordid pasts.
So we weren't up to it any more.
I left it at that, I accepted it and moved on.
I tried dating again.
You know guys that are geographically present.
They didn't challenge me enough.
There was always something missing.
ER still remains the only person I really confide in.
My deepest fears, my grating inadequacies.
My gaping flaws, my darkest secrets.
I lose all track of time when we chat.
Politics, religion, movies, relationships.
Name every possible topic under the sun.
I'm sure we've discussed it incessantly.
So silently in my delusional state, I was still hopeful.
That things would work out for the both of us.
Even if in reality I knew he was dating someone.
That deep down, I knew it was never meant to be.
Yet the main point here is that I was hopeful.
"Hope" is the reason we wake up every single morning, why we have happy thoughts, why we sleep tight at nights.
It gives us a purpose to exist.
A meaning to our weary, twisted life.
Anyways the euphoria over my birthday did me some good.
I was able to simply enjoy my day without a heavy heart.
I felt I owed it to myself to be happy.
I was.
Now I am slowly picking up the shattered pieces of my heart.
The harsh reality is slowly sinking in.
Lately I've managed to sleep without drenching my pillows.
So I suppose that's a good sign.

I definitely need to move onward.
Just bury myself with work, work and more work.
No more film festivals to distract me.
No more birthdays to celebrate.
No more procrastinating.
No more cemeteries to pay homage to.
No more pining over someone.
Just go ahead and earn my green bucks.
And maybe just maybe I will finally buy myself a new cellphone. Not that I really need one.


I think it's time I indulged in material items to make me happy.
I tried investing in my emotions.
But I only got terribly bruised.
I'm scarred for the rest of my life.
I have the pimples marks to prove it.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for him.
I believe this baby is his lucky charm.
Even if he doesn't think so.
I am still going to be here for him.
No matter what.

No comments: