Wednesday, April 15, 2009

11th month

A few days ago during the Holy Week, I was just flipping channels on TV for want of something to amuse my bored spirit. I came across one of those talks by Bo Sanchez. It was a compilation of his seminar/lectures which are shown on TV. So I checked out his website and read some of his articles. I was particularly intrigued by his e-book called "God's Dreams". He mentions that there are three important things you need to become a great success in life: "Desire", "Belief" and "Action".

Today I celebrate my 11th month as a married woman. Yes time does fly by so fast. Since the beginning of this year, we have been actively trying to conceive. By active I mean I feel that I am "somewhat" ready for the task of motherhood. I do have my doubts if we or more specifically *I* am up to the task. My fears keep me up at nights especially during these really hot, warm summer nights.

Questions abound. "What if I am too old to conceive?" "Can we afford to bring a human being into this world?" "Would our baby be healthy considering my age?" "How long do we keep trying?" "Would he still love me if we can't have a child?"

Now back to the 3 important factors and their impact vis a vis my dream to be a mother. (my thoughts are in italics)

1. Desire
You need to want your dream from the depths of your soul. How intensely do you desire your dream? How deeply do you want it to happen? Many people don’t achieve their dreams because they don’t want it bad enough.

This haunting thought consumes me a lot. I wonder if I *want* it bad enough. People who know me also know that I have always been a free spirited, independent minded person. I fear that having a child would curtail my restless soul. I figure I need to condition myself doubly hard and let go of my selfish nature!

2. Belief
Belief is nothing else but a feeling of certainty. The more certain you feel that you can accomplish your dream, the faster you can make them a reality. Many people don’t achieve their dreams because in their heart of hearts, they doubt they can really do it.

This goes without saying. The endless crying, the sleepless nights, its effects on my body, to be totally responsible for another person - I wonder if I am up to the maternal task.

3. Action
Albert Einstein said, “Nothing happens unless something moves.” Successful people aren’t the most knowledgeable people on earth. But you can be totally sure that all of them have a bias for action. Many people don’t achieve their dreams because they know but they don’t act.

Now this very important aspect is what has been the main hurdle in my aim to achieve my dream. I know that I need to get another check up. A year ago, my doctor told me I need to consult her again in order to better my chances of conception. Yet I keep postponing it in the belief that nature would take its course. But so far, we haven't been successful and I have no one else to blame but myself for my inaction. Which brings us back to the first part that maybe just maybe I don't want it bad enough?

Oh well.

I will keep our fingers crossed. Stay on the positive path. And yes finally push myself to go for that check up, sooner than soon!

So help me, God.

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