I woke up today and realized there were only 24 days before Christmas comes a knocking on our doorstep. Yet I might be the only person (well aside from my hubby) in this country who has barely lifted a finger to get into the Yuletide spirit. There are no Christmas decors in our tiny apartment. I haven't joined the rest of the populace in their rush for Christmas gifts shopping. Heck I haven't even played a single Christmas carol on my player. I feel no extra pressure nor stress about my nonchalance, truth be told.
A lingering sense of anxiety envelopes me as I realized with much astonished sadness that as the year 2010 comes to an end, I still haven't achieved my ultimate goal. Our quest to become parents is still as elusive as winning the lotto jackpot prize. The first 7 months of this year I was under medication for fertility treatments. Then I needed to take a break from the treatments to avoid over stimulation of my hormones. My doctor remains overly optimistic that probably I could conceive without any meds but frankly I don't share her sentiments.
When I turned 42 last October, I said to myself 'enuff is enuff!'. I simply accepted my fate to have some peace of mind. I didn't want to be miserable, anymore. Crying every month over a negative result got really tiring. But mostly losing my joie de vivre is really a terrible feeling. I am still in a dark place yet I'm slowly learning to crawl out of it day by day by building a wall of stoicism to shield me from my pain.
In 12 days time, my fave person in the whole world will be coming home for the Holidays. I'm excited and really looking forward to some great bonding moments with my sister. Because I believe that TIME is the best gift we can give to one another during this merriest of all seasons!
A lingering sense of anxiety envelopes me as I realized with much astonished sadness that as the year 2010 comes to an end, I still haven't achieved my ultimate goal. Our quest to become parents is still as elusive as winning the lotto jackpot prize. The first 7 months of this year I was under medication for fertility treatments. Then I needed to take a break from the treatments to avoid over stimulation of my hormones. My doctor remains overly optimistic that probably I could conceive without any meds but frankly I don't share her sentiments.
When I turned 42 last October, I said to myself 'enuff is enuff!'. I simply accepted my fate to have some peace of mind. I didn't want to be miserable, anymore. Crying every month over a negative result got really tiring. But mostly losing my joie de vivre is really a terrible feeling. I am still in a dark place yet I'm slowly learning to crawl out of it day by day by building a wall of stoicism to shield me from my pain.
In 12 days time, my fave person in the whole world will be coming home for the Holidays. I'm excited and really looking forward to some great bonding moments with my sister. Because I believe that TIME is the best gift we can give to one another during this merriest of all seasons!
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