"Thank you very much"
That's the most common expression you hear during beauty pageants.
I have to admit I religiously watch them just like award shows.
Last night, Binibining Pilipinas was telecast on GMA 7.

I watch:
to make really nasty side comments about the contestants.to wait for someone to trip or step on her gown.to see which contestant had breast implants.to make fun of their physical assets during the swimsuit category.to criticize every long gown that is worn.to cringe during the interview portion followed by rip roaring laughter at their grammatical errors.to blast the judges since most of them are aging DOMs, foreign ambassadors, a basketball player, a politician and/or an actor.to guess which one would make the final 10.to constantly remark about their flaws.to admire their bravery for joining when they have a fat chance in hell of winning.

Ok so no one is perfect and I don't think I am better than them.
But it's fun to be really really bitchy. It's a blast.

I feel as empty as a drum
I've been staring at the blank screen for hours now.
No idea what to write about in this post.
I will just type the lyrics of a song that is stuck in my mind, right now.
But before I do that, I want to thank all my friends.
For their support. For their encouraging words. For their warmth.
Always being there for me as I weather through storms.
I've been through several failed relationships in a span of 5 years.
No wonder I'm tired.

Don't Know Why by Norah Jones
I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind forever

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind forever
Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

Pain
I have no idea what brought it on.
Maybe I wanted closure.
But sometime around 3 AM Friday morning.
I told Iyad it was time for us to move on.
Everything I wanted to say in 2 long SMS messages.
Then I promptly switched my cellphone off.
I cried myself to sleep.
I woke up with a terrible headache.
Just in time to watch "Survivor".
Around 5pm, he replies back.
Ever so casually like it wasn't a big deal.
I cried again. I didn't respond back.
I know I will miss him
- when I'm still wide awake at the wee hours of the morning.
- when there will be good news & bad news I like to share.
- when I need someone to calm me down.
- when I just feel like hearing his voice.

The list isn't too long because I can't think clearly right now.
My heart is aching and I am keeping myself from messaging him.
I guess I'm not numb, after all.

A case of deja vu
In the midst of replying to Donna's email, I realized something.
Most of my relationships ended in the month of February.
Last year right after Valentine's Day, my ex bf vanished from my life.
No goodbyes, no closures ... Wajdi just faded away.
This year I am sensing a repeat of this scenario with Iyad.
Somehow deep in my soul, I knew it was bound to happen sooner than later.
And since February just ended, I might as well stick to the trend.
The strange thing about this is that I'm not distraught, I feel just fine.
I don't have the energy nor the stamina to fight for it.
I guess numb would be the appropriate word.
I just wish for ONCE ... Someone would fight for me.
God knows, by now, I'm already so tired of getting my heart broken.

Ranting time
Well what do you know? The weather is scorching hot already.
I was shocked when I saw the temperature was 35 deg C on this billboard
somewhere between Metrobank, Ortigas and the Podium.
Stifling humidity suffocates my room in the condo. I take 3 showers daily.
I am not a summer person. I hate to sweat because I melt.
So I'm expecting my electric bill to soar as high as the temperatures.

Friendster
"Many of you have replied to let us know that using Internet Explorer to
access Friendster is not working, you kept being brought back to the
login page. Until we fix this bug, you CAN Use Mozilla as your web browser
and you will NOT encounter this problem. If the Mozilla web browser is not
already installed on your computer, you can download it for free at
http://www.mozilla.org/" Again we apologize for any inconvenience,
-the Friendster team
That is the solution their customer service suggests.
Well heck never mind, I ain't downloading another web browser.
I will just wait till they fix the problem. They can take their sweet time.


Songs on my media player right now
1. Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes.
But my dreams they aren't as empty.
As my conscious seems to be. I have hours, only lonely.
My love is vengeance. That's never free.

2. Sting featuring Mary J. Blige - Whenever I say your name.
Wherever I lay me down, wherever I put my head to sleep
Whenever I hurt and cry, whenever I got to lie awake and weep
Whenever I kneel to pray, whenever I need to find a way
I'm calling out your name

3. Evanescence - My Immortal.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
But you still have. All of me.

Random Thoughts
I wonder what's up with Friendster.
For some reason, I can't seem to log on.
I even sent an email to their tech support.
Not that I'm that desperate to log on.
God knows, nothing fruitful came out of it.
I just joined out of curiosity.
I honestly don't know why people make such a fuss about it.

It's odd that HBO's the Sopranos isn't shown here.
It is fast paced, full of drama & violence, foul language and it kicks ass.
It was one of the shows which I watched regularly in Dubai.
And to think that it is an Islamic city and yet they show it.
Well sure it was on cable ... But still.
It is frustrating that I have now missed several seasons of this fab show.
Oh well.

I got my new passport today.
All 32 pages of it and with my.bad.hair.day picture glued on it.
Duly signed and now awaiting visa entries to be stamped in.
Boy! It saddens me how empty it looks now.
I love traveling. Packing suitcases. Sitting on a plane watching movies.
Drinking red wine. The slight turbulence. The airline food. The cramped seats. The suffocating cabin air. The seatbelt. The tiny toilet.
Going through immigration. Checking into hotel rooms.
Exploring the new sights, the cuisine, the people.
Basking in a different culture.
It invigorates my restless spirit. It perks me up. It makes my soul happy.
Ok fine ... I think you get my point.

"Find the strength. Find the courage. No matter what it takes.
Find the way home."
I discovered that at Rockwell, if you watch before 5pm, the ticket price is only P81. Geez, I'm ecstatic about this!
So there I was sitting for 2 and a half hours controling my bladder, while I watched Cold Mountain.
Taking in the beautiful scenery of North Carolina Romania.
Haunted by Alison Krause's rendition of Sting's composition "You will be my ain true love".
Breathlessly waiting while Inman made his long hard struggling way back to his Ada.
Meeting interesting characters along the way, supporting roles by good actors like Natalie Portman, Philip Seymour Hoffman & Giovanni Ribisi.
Laughing at the sly humour of Ruby ably played by Renee Zellweger who I believe truly deserves her acting awards. She really kicked ass! Way to go!
Feeling completely overwhelmed by Jude Law's strong screen presence.
Riveted at how luminous Nicole Kidman looks despite her efforts to downplay her appearance.
Impressed by Anthony Minghella's direction which reminded me of his other movie, The English Patient which is one of my favorite films of all time.
But most of all, leaving the theater hopeful that true love does exist. Even if it is only in the movies. No matter how difficult the circumstances if you believe in something, you will endure everything and eventually conquer.
Jude Law said 'You feel bruised from thinking about someone so much.'
Or something to that effect. A lovely line from a beautiful movie.

"I would like to thank the Academy"
4 hours glued to the TV is tedious.
But I endured since it was the 76th Annual Academy Awards live on RPN 9.
The Lord of the Rings made a clean sweep in all the categories it was nominated.
Master and Commander managed to sneak in a couple of times.
Sofia Coppola got her screenplay award for Lost in Translation.
Billy Crystal was hilarious, as usual.
Jack Black & Will Ferrell adding words to the music that signals the end of the acceptance speech was clever.
Ben Stiller coming out in his Starsky & Hutch attire was cute.
All my predictions for the major award categories won.

This post won't be complete unless I give my two cents worth about fashion.
Angelina Jolie's white ensemble was glamorous and very goddess-like.
Nicole Kidman can wear a blanket and still look very elegant. Notice how thin her waist line is? Geez! I wonder if she eats anything!
Catherine Zeta Jones' red form fitting gown brings out her glow but her raven hair was too plain.
Renee Zellweger gets my nod for looking regal in a sterling white gown with a big bow at the back along with a flowing train.
Sandra Bullock got the hair right but the feathers on her dress were hedious.
Jennifer Garner's tangerine frock with a full skirt is stunningly beautiful.
Charlize Theron & Naomi Watts wore nude colored beaded gowns - very chic.
Julia Roberts' shiny champagne hue dress + her complete look complements her film star status.
Scarlett Johansson's deep teal outfit doesn't justify her age. She is only 20!
Actresses like Susan Sarandon & Liv Tyler played it safe and stuck to black.
I have no idea what Uma Thurman was wearing. It looked like a bathrobe style thing going on. It was a mystery.
Diane Keaton, well only she can get away with her Annie Hall outfits.
But my favorite was this simple white dress with a brocade front design that Diane Lane was wearing. Very sexy.
Oh, Johnny Depp sporting a hairstyle reminiscent of his 21 Jumpstreet days is adorable, cute, gorgeous & yummy all at the same time!